... so it would be a perfect place to lay it all out.
I am tired. I need a vacation. Maybe just a day where I get out of town with no cell phone. No calls. No text messages. No contact with anyone but God. I need a sabbatical. I have worked nonstop since October. School let out and I went to summer camp. Now I'm working two jobs where I work 10 hours a day. I stop summer camp and the next day begins workdays. Workdays end and the next day school starts. Please don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job seeing as many are without but I'm tired. I feel like I can't do anything well. I can't love people well. I can't plan well. I can't take care of my house well. I can't be a wife well. I'm not loving God well (though I have been putting forth a conscious effort on that part).
Sam and I are stepping down from working with the high school youth at church. You'd think this would bring me a little relief with the load I carry but that relief has been stolen by the enemy and is now replaced with worry and guilt. I worry that these kids won't be loved. I am afraid they will feel abandoned. I feel guilty for giving up. I feel guilt over stepping out when it gets messy. I know that being newly married and starting a new career are valid reasons to step down but this is how the devil is playing with these decisions.
I am incredibly lonely and alone all the time. I know this is no one's fault. And if there were someone to blame, it would be me. Though blessed with jobs, Sam and I work total opposite schedules. On his one day off a week, he has band practice for church when I get off work. I know things won't stay this way forever but a part of me really feels that if something, anything, does not give soon, I will break. I feel as though my prayers and pleading for someone to confide in have been left unheard for over a year. I can not help but feel hurt by God. I go to Him with my deepest hurts and longings and still, I am alone.
I know my joy and strength comes from the Lord. I know that I do not carry any of these things alone, for He ultimately carries me and all my baggage. But I am not perfect.
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3 comments:
Oh my heart aches for you. I do understand. For many years I was a single mom to 3 small children and working 2 jobs to keep us afloat and no family within 1300 miles. I use to pray for just a few minutes to take a deep breath. I know this all seems unbearable right now, but I do know the Lord is providing all the strength you need to do what you have to do. Don't let the enemy steal anything from you. If the Lord didn't want you to stop the youth ministry, he would not have allowed you to. He is there and is providing a way. He is also providing a way for someone else to take over and be blessed. Look at it as if the Lord has planned it all along and be grateful for the new leaders to serve. House work is not the most important thing and cooking meals or doing whatever you have to do can be done with a million shortcuts. Hang in there and thank the Lord for the new people that are going to serve and ignore the enemy. I found that when I remembered to take 5 minutes and just really thank the Lord that all of the stree just dripped away. God Bless and I will keep you in prayer. Hugs, Marty
I read this, I can't think of the words to say right now, other than I'm here and I've got my phone and would love to talk and listen and be there for you..... even if it is from a couple hundred miles... because I too could sure use a friend right now...
I read this. And you are loved. You are valuable because you have a creator that thinks you are so precious. I'm glad you're my friend. And I'm glad for your honesty.
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