Women, like me

So I realize my last post was a little on the sad side so I thought I would lighten it up with some things I have been reading and pondering.

I seem to have been fascinated with Esther lately and I keep hearing about her everywhere, church services with special guests and even a high school girls' Bible study. So I thought I'd go back and read the book of Esther over again. While reading the book, I literally found myself going through my days thinking of her and what she would do in my situations and how she would look at things from a humbled servant's point-of-view.

When finishing Esther, I started reading 1 Samuel. I have never read the entire books of Samuel, I usually read about Hannah and stop. I told myself I was going to read the entire books because I haven't before and they are hubby's favorite (I wonder why, hehe). But after I read about Hannah, I HAD to stop and reread it. These two ladies paint a perfect picture of what any Christian should do, but truly a woman.

Both Esther and Hannah changed the entire fate of their families. In the broader scheme, they changed the entire fate of nations. Esther saved her own life and her cousin's, along with all the Jews. Hannah had a son to carry on the family name who later ... well, I haven't gotten that far yet, BUT I know Samuel lead up to the birth of Jesus somehow. =)

Esther fasted. Hannah worshipped. As simple as that. Esther fasted before seeing the king. Hannah rose early every morning to worship God in faith that she would one day have a child.

I don't have a family, per se, of my own. I have a husband and the future prospect of a family, which includes children. So why not begin to change the fate of my family now, which could in turn change the fate of a nation. I often find it difficult to remember that EVERYONE in the Bible were living, breathing flesh, just like me. Esther and Hannah were real women with real issues. They nurtured like me. They loved like me. They cried like me. They created beauty like me. They probably even crafted like me. =)

But two ordinary women did extraordinary things by simply fasting (for only three days to be exact) and worshipping God (in the morning). I just might never get through 1 Samuel because I am so enthralled by Hannah!

I figure no one reads this ...

... so it would be a perfect place to lay it all out.

I am tired. I need a vacation. Maybe just a day where I get out of town with no cell phone. No calls. No text messages. No contact with anyone but God. I need a sabbatical. I have worked nonstop since October. School let out and I went to summer camp. Now I'm working two jobs where I work 10 hours a day. I stop summer camp and the next day begins workdays. Workdays end and the next day school starts. Please don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job seeing as many are without but I'm tired. I feel like I can't do anything well. I can't love people well. I can't plan well. I can't take care of my house well. I can't be a wife well. I'm not loving God well (though I have been putting forth a conscious effort on that part).

Sam and I are stepping down from working with the high school youth at church. You'd think this would bring me a little relief with the load I carry but that relief has been stolen by the enemy and is now replaced with worry and guilt. I worry that these kids won't be loved. I am afraid they will feel abandoned. I feel guilty for giving up. I feel guilt over stepping out when it gets messy. I know that being newly married and starting a new career are valid reasons to step down but this is how the devil is playing with these decisions.

I am incredibly lonely and alone all the time. I know this is no one's fault. And if there were someone to blame, it would be me. Though blessed with jobs, Sam and I work total opposite schedules. On his one day off a week, he has band practice for church when I get off work. I know things won't stay this way forever but a part of me really feels that if something, anything, does not give soon, I will break. I feel as though my prayers and pleading for someone to confide in have been left unheard for over a year. I can not help but feel hurt by God. I go to Him with my deepest hurts and longings and still, I am alone.

I know my joy and strength comes from the Lord. I know that I do not carry any of these things alone, for He ultimately carries me and all my baggage. But I am not perfect.